Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Venus If You Will…

This blog is dedicated to my buddy Scarp. He’s a first-time dad and a big fan of Oye Martinez. He’s been there for the ups and downs… and God knows, there have been downs. Like the time he and I endured the world’s worst New Year’s Eve party. Or the time I almost got kicked out of a softball league for stopping the game before the first pitch just so I could take a piss in leftfield. The true definition of “when you gotta go, you gotta go.” Here’s to you Scarpy.

Venus, if you will. Please send a little girl for me to thrill. A girl who wants my kisses and my arms... a girl with all the charms of you.

Venus, make her fair. A lovely girl with sunlight in her hair. And take the brightest stars up in the skies… and place them in her eyes for me.

Frankie Avalon had it so right. That song hit the top of the charts in 1959. Here we are, nearly 50 year later, and it still rings true. At the end of the day, no matter what we say (oh, that rhymes), we all want a girl to thrill. A girl that wants us. A girl that’s fair. A girl with sunlight in her hair and pretty eyes.

Of course, she can’t be GoDaddy.com hot because that just brings a boat-load of problems.

Problems like:
-Worrying about guys hitting on her when you go to the bathroom in a nightclub / bar / restaurant / Pep Boys.
-Some fancy doctor guy driving up in his convertible midlife crisis while she’s walking back to her car after buying a cute, yet casual top from Forever 21.
-Some ripped guy, who’s spending extra time in the gym working out his flaptoids - I think those are the muscles right above your penis and under your bellybutton – using simple sentences and mono-syllabic words to try to get her back to his South Beach apartment so he can flex for her while listening to some killer break beats.

I know what you're saying, "Uhhh, dude, you have problems."

Yeah, whateva!

The point is I don’t need to worry about all that shit. I want a girl that I can trust and a girl that’s pretty. Pretty physically, emotionally, spiritually and most of all, mentally.

But here’s the rub.

Many times my friends have said to me, “Martinez, I have a girl for you. She’s funny, outgoing, really cool. You two will get along great.”

Now, I know I’m going to sound like an ass bag, but I’m gonna say it:

The next question, in some manner, is: “Is she pretty?” Or, “Is she hot?”

And it’s a fair question. No judging allowed because it goes through all our minds. Physical appearance is extremely important.

Ladies, I know you wouldn’t make goo-goo eyes with a guy at a club because he looks like he can make good pancakes in the morning… or he knows how to change a tire… or he won’t cheat on you with your best friend and her mom.

Of course not. But the response to my question about her appearance usually goes something like, “Bro, let me tell you, she’s not ugly.”

What the hell is that?!?! What does that mean? “She’s not ugly.”

Does it mean she’s not a midget? Does it mean she doesn’t have two heads? Does it mean she doesn’t have one ear considerably smaller than the other? Does it mean you can safely look at her for an extended period of time before you vomit in your mouth?

What the hell does “not ugly” mean?

Are they trying to tell me that I should settle? Are they subtly saying that I should jump on this one because I can’t do any better and at the end of the day, it’s more important to like a girl that laughs at my jokes than a girl I wanna have sex with in public?

Now, I don’t disagree with that last statement one bit. I love it when girls laugh at my jokes. In fact, I certainly enjoy a good joke - especially after sex. I feel it really hugs the moment, you know? But if a girl doesn’t like my jokes, then all we have is sex and awkward silences. Mmmm, not a fan.

(Note: the joke telling after climax doesn’t include when I masturbate alone in the dark. That would just be weird.)

So, what are they trying to tell me when they say “not ugly?”

Have I reached that point in my life where I can no longer be selective? Are they telling me that a girl that’s fair with sunlight in her hair is a little out of the question at this point?

Should I settle for the vice president of the Spanish Honors society? The girl that got picked up from school by her grandmother, then taken directly to piano class?

I’m not bashing that girl, but chances are, she wasn’t the prettiest girl in school.

Really, though. No matter how cool she is, I still have to be attracted to her.

Besides, isn’t that why we all go to the gym… or, I should say, have a gym membership? To try to look our best physically?

And ladies, don’t you want Prince Charming to ride in on a white horse and whisk you away to the land of happily ever after?

What about that freggin’ McDreamy character?

(Note: it’s funny when no one paid attention to Patrick Dempsey when he was delivering pizzas with extra anchovies. Now he’s a doctor with a 5 o’clock shadow and the women swoon.)

Look, I have no idea what "not ugly" is. I don't know what the hell you people mean by it. But I know it doesn't sound good.

Now Venus. Get off your ass and get to work, damn it.

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