Better Watch Out Cuz I’m Gonna Say F@&%

Nerds are cool. And the best part is, girls love ‘em.

I don’t get it. It’s like we’re reliving the end scene of Revenge of the Nerds all over again. Poor Stan Gable. He just stood there all made up wearing a cheerleader outfit when Betty Childs left him. How embarrassing.

“What are you babbling about? What brought about this revelation, Alex?”

Well, I’m glad you asked. See, last night I went to the John Mayer concert in West Palm. The performance was amazing. It was the last show of his Summer Tour and he did it right. Plus, he had Ben Folds (minus the 5) opening for him and that kid blew up the spot.

If you’ve ever seen Ben Folds, you wouldn’t think of him as a dude musician. In fact, I’d liken him more to a printer salesman. But, au contraire. The guy plays the piano with one hand and busts on maracas with the other. Then, he follows up that funky lil’ number with amazing crowd participation – he makes an entire venue, comprised of 15-year old girls, their parents and ME sing on key! What the hell? I never sing on key… not even in the shower… or in traffic alone in my car with Styx blasting through my bottom-of-the-line stock stereo system.

Lady. From the moment I saw you... standing awawawawallll alone…

So picture it. All this is going on. I’m about 4 double vodka cranberries into the night and I’m jamming out to Louis Skolnik and his corduroy jeans. (Whoever gets the Louis Skolnik reference needs to identify themselves so that I can give them a treat.)

So here’s where it gets beyond cool. As Skolnik rips through his last song, out comes John Mayer wearing a pair of Buddy Holly’s and takes over on the piano. Skolnik gets up off the piano and grabs a guitar. Guitar guy moves over to the mic and starts belting out over and over again:

“You better watch out cuz I’m gonna say F@&%!”

Are you kidding me?!?! I’m having the time of my life. I’m making friends (Alan, his wife and his gorgeous 20-year old daughter who’s studying broadcast journalism at UM). I’m hugging people. Jamming to the one magical line that gets repeated over and over again:

“You better watch out cuz I’m gonna say F@&%!”

Everybody... You better watch out cuz…

Ok. You get the picture.

It was a truly amazing concert. But it made me realize something. I suck for not knowing how to play a musical instrument. (Place your skin flute joke here.)

When I was a kid, my parents put me in sports and karate. Those were my extra curricular activities. Music wasn’t really an option. And now, as I lay in bed on those lonely nights, I’m paying for it.

I mean, I can dance ok. I can remember useless facts about useless topics. I can throw a curveball. I can throw a spiral. I can make 10 straight free throws. I can put a nice sequence of curse words together to make one descriptive blue comment. Hey, I can even talk dirty to girls and get away with it (some of the time). But that’s about it. That’s all I’ve got.

And being as how hitting all those damned free throws hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life, perhaps I should take up the clarinet. How many of you know any disgruntled and lonely clarinet players? Ok, maybe a bad example. But, hey. At least he has his music.

Ahh, who am I kidding? I’ll never be a Skolnik pounding on the 88 keys. I’ll never wear a pair of Buddy Holly’s and wale on a guitar as thousands of under-aged girls scream my name and ask for my autograph as I’m featured on the latest cover of Tiger Beat.

Musical instruments and me just don’t mix. We’re like peanut butter and tomato sandwiches. I’m thinking I’ll just stick to what I do best. I’ll get up and scream…

“You better watch out cuz I’m gonna say F@&%!”