I Turned 30. Ugh.

Why aren’t you married yet? What are you waiting for? When are you going to grow up?

These are the questions I get all the freggin’ time. What am I, 30? Oh wait…

Oh my God, you guys – I turned 30 last week. What the hell happened to my life? I’m such a punk. How can I possibly be 30? I don’t know who I am by any stretch of the imagination. I find myself doing things I did when I was 12 – playing Madden till my fingers bleed, eating cereal and PB&J in every meal, watching Tom & Jerry (best episode ever).

Oh yeah, did I mention the fact that I don’t even have a girlfriend? Society, shun me! Stone me, even!

I do, however, have plenty of supporters. They say, “turning 30 in 2007 is not the same as turning 30 in 1987” or my favorite, “30 is the new 20.”

Pfffshhh, right – tell that to my mother.

What the hell, man? Being a 30-year old is title set by society to tell the rest of the world “oooh, you’re a real adult.” And to an extent, that’s true. I can’t get away with things now that I got away with in my late 20s. Or can I?

For example, it’s been eight months since I did my last keg stand (note: months not years). Now that I’m 30, is it OK for me to do a keg stand? Well, I guess that depends on the company you keep. I, for one, am happy to say that my company (many over the age of 30) would find it perfectly normal for me to perform a keg stand. Furthermore, they’ll gladly hold my legs and laugh at me as beer pours out of my nose.

And don’t even get me started on marriage. I’m just fine where I am, thank you very much. Many of my friends have been married and divorced in their 20s. Then what? They’re 30 and they’re right back where they started, save for a kid or two. Dude, seriously.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against marriage. In fact, I’m a huge fan. Many times I wonder if I’m ready for that step. Hey, I wasn’t ready to turn 30, but that happened. Maybe marriage will be the same. It’ll just happen. Then what? Kids? Am I ready to be a father? Am I ready to awaken with a crisp hangover to find adolescent games of Madden, cries for cereal and PB&J and battles over who gets to hold the remote while watching Tom and Jerry?

Hmmm… 30?